there is just something about his arms wrapped around me and the feel of him touching me that is so comforting and familiar and wonderful. and there's just something about looking straight into those eyes (((oh those eyes))) and knowing that the world is perfect for that one split second. living in that moment. that one moment. just feeling the beauty and wondrous tingle that tells you that life is worth living and these are the moments that you'll remember forever. in your last second, your last breath, this is what you'll think of. it is so powerful. and that kiss, that wonderful kiss, telling me, whispering in my ear, even though i've always known, here is your soulmate....

life is beautiful.

craziness, loneliness, getting the best of me again. feeling, breathing, singing, thinking, again and again and again. and i’m swinging this and i’m singing this song we’ve sung a million times over. you should know the words by now. i’m breathing, i’m beating, i’m beating myself up again. losing. i’m losing them again. my friends. they’re gone again. i’m missing. i’m missing my mark. missing my target. missing my friends. i’ll swallow this pill again. another headache. another day. another night alone. i’m crying. can you hear me? do you hear me? are you listening? look the other way again. here’s that song again. do you know the words yet? i know them by heart. i’ve known them all along. this is my song. always my song. but you’ll never know. you’ll never know. never know the hole in my heart. this hole in my heart for you. it’s missing you. missing. cleaning this, putting this away, moving, moving, moving this again. sanity slowly slipping. slipping. slipping away. away with you. away with all of you. so here i am again. alone again. crying again. singing again. i know all the words. all of them. subliminal. i am here. i’ve always been here. alone again. the same old song playing again. playing again. and again. over and over. deep inside. i hear it deep inside. playing here. can you hear it? look away again. walk away again. bow your head down again. i’m still here. my arms are open. i’ve been waiting here. with my arms open. my heart open. bleeding, beating heart open. wide open. waiting.. breathing... sighing.. singing... missing. have i lost again? again. i’ll be here. waiting. always waiting. again....

i saw "pearl harbor" with jay last night. absolutely incredible. i mean, i'm speechless. i try to describe how it was in words and i choke. there were times during that movie that i just kept thinking to myself: this really happened. it blew my mind. and it got so disturbing that all that was really happening, i kept screaming over and over in my head please stop showing me this! i don't want to see anymore! i wanted to cry because of all the shooting and bombing. it just felt like it was too much for me to handle. i really had trouble dealing with it. and it had a really good mixture of the actual event and a love story on the side. whereas titantic shouldn't even have been called that. it should've been called "rose and jack" or something. this movie was much better.

derek was in my dream last night. i don't think he really did anything in it, though. i think he just had a walk-on. i don't really remember. but i do remember that he was there. dammit, derek.....

Happy Birthday, Marilyn!!!
for those of you who don't know, today is Marilyn Monroe's birthday. if she was still alive, she would have turned 75 today. to view my marilyn monroe section, click here. it contains my thoughts on her, and some wonderful pictures as well.

i'm really getting depressed over derek. i miss him so much. he hasn't spoken to me in almost a month and a half. it really makes me want to cry because i wonder if he even cares. i wonder if this bothers him at all. i ask everyone if he's said anything at all about the situation and the answer is always the same: no. god i wish he'd read this.

i'll finish the rest of this tonight... i just really wanted to say happy birthday.

time: 8:45 p.m. the strangest thing happened. i started thinking about my friend adam that i had my sophmore year in high school. he was my best friend then. i remember i used to call him up when my mom was high and aggravating me [which was often]. i used to say "she's doing it again" and he'd say "meet me at ashley school". and i would go and meet him at the school a few blocks away from my house and he'd meet me on the front steps and we'd sit there and talk for what seemed like hours. and it was so great because he was getting me out of that house. and he was such a pathological liar because he would tell me these crazy stories like how he'd found the door to the fourth dimension and how one time he was in romania and he saw what he thought was a vampire. the craziest part, though, was that i believed him because i liked him so much. that's so funny. and i remember that day that he kissed me in his living room and i panicked. i don't even know why. because i liked him. i should have wanted that to happen. but it ended up really weirding me out. maybe because, even though i liked him a lot, through hanging out with him everyday, and him helping me with the situation with my mom, he became my best friend and that, ultimately, was what i needed. and the best part is, even after he kissed me, we stayed friends. it changed after my sophmore year was over, though. he ended up moving to the other side of the city and i didn't have any classes with him my junior year, but i'll never forget him nor what he did for me. so, if you ever get to read this, adam, thank you.

update: still missing derek. [i wish he'd read this]